man flu – The Indecisive Eejit

The worst thing about writing about a fictional character, is where it crosses over into real life. I tempted fate with my story of May and her New Year flu, and now find myself surrounded by used tissues with snotters tripping me. Woe is me. I was even in bed at 11.30 last night, that’s sacrilege. Scarier still was that I was holed up with my Bugs Bunny hot water bottle.

How do I know I have Man flu and not just a normal one I hear you ask, and that is a very good question, for which I have a very good answer. My Xbox One arrived on Friday and it was Sunday before I even managed to get it all put together and into place. I’ve played it once, see, that’s how sick I am!

The only good thing about being in work and being sick is that people generally tend to leave you alone. A few coughs and sneezes had people creeping past my door like it was a contamination area, I mean they don’t even do that when I fart ffs! That said its a useful tool and one I shall remember on days when I cannot be arsed. Say, achooo! followed by whoops must be coming down with something, and watch them all scatter.

I’ve been told to drink plenty of fluids and being the good girl I am (what you smirking at), I generally do what I am told. The slight problem with sneezing and a full bladder is that you have to remember to cross your legs, men you just so won’t get that. It’s actually really hard to sneeze, hold up a tissue, catch snot and remember to cross your legs. Somethings gotta give. Note to self, invest in Tena ladies perhaps for the remainder of this week!

I’m hoping to be better by Thursday, as there is a trip to the cinema planned to see ‘Into the Woods’. Apart from Maleficent, this was the only other film I got even mildly excited about in 2014, just ignore the fact it was not released until 2015. Maleficent, while pretty amazing, was not as stunning as I had thought. I hope the same cannot be said for the one to be viewed on Thursday.

My drive to quit smoking it not going too bad, even though I had used Christmas money to put towards the Xbone, I figured that I can’t have everything so in order to finance the rest of it, it’s time to try and quit. The fact that I have a cold is certainly helping. If I want one I will have one, because denying myself just makes it worse, however, having one reminds me that I don’t actually really enjoy them all that much anyway. I’m not making any firm promises, but I’m certainly up for trying! Total count since Saturday is 3.

I’d been trying to keep up with my reading and since the start of the New Year I had been doing not too bad, this week though, whenever I move myself into a horizontal position and make myself comfortable I tend to fall asleep. Between that and stinging eyes, reading anything has been a bit of a task. That said, I wondered why I was squinting at the screen just now and realised it was because I need to clean 3 days of snot off the lens of my spectaculars, so that’s just what I better do.

Till next time Eejits!

P.s May never did bring me my Chicken soup ffs, she went up to the bus stop and hasn’t been seen since!

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I know you’ve all been waiting patiently to hear about my great misadventures over the New Year period. You were imagining all sorts I’ll bet, the Wicky Digit full to the rafters, firemen actually getting their kit off and Onda grabbing a sneaky snog off Knuckles as the clock struck midnight while I screamed at the top of my voice…..Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! Wait what!? Yes you heard right, the only sound to escape my lips was most likely a wee snore or two, because I slept through the whole fecking thing.

It all started on Boxing day, and at first I blamed the Brussel sprouts, the usual cause of trouser trumps of such magnitude, but then I remembered I hadn’t actually had any, so there was clearly something more sinister going on. The Usain Bolt sprints for the bathroom followed a short time later along with that age old dilemma, can you reach the sink, when you’re ~~shitting~~ sitting on the toilet, thankfully in my case, yes, yes you can. Blessed relief.

I made it back to the sofa with only minutes to spare, so close to deaths door was I. Me!? A Drama Queen!? Never!

Onda came to visit me and brought tissues and oranges….Terry’s Chocolate Oranges. I tried to point out that not even a Dyson was going to be able to suck Vitamen C out of that bad boy, but it just wasn’t sinking in.

Me: Onda, I’m not long for this world. I think I’ve got Man Flu.

Onda: S’not.

Me: No seriously I think it is, I’m more sick than a big sick thing schooled at the school of sickness.

Onda: S’not (more high pitched this time).

Me: It feckin is!

Onda: No! Snot, wipe your nose you dirty clart, it’s dripping on the carpet.

There was very little sympathy after that, and according to Onda, who it would appear is a bit of a drama queen herself, what came out my nose was worthy of a scene from the Exorcist. As the saying here goes, the snotters were tripping me.

I’d been so looking forward to the New Year, I had every intention of starting it off with a bang, assuming I was able to lure someone back to my humble abode that is, but all I got was a crick in my neck from sleeping at an awkward angle on the sofa all night. I didn’t even realise it was New Years Day until I heard my next door neighbours in the back garden belting out Horse it into ya Cynthia by Farmer Dan, a sure fire sign that the night before has been a resounding success.

So there you have it, I May Dupp was a New Year failure. Let’s hope for a little more excitement in 2015 eh!