Which way now?


I think I’m at a bit of a crossroads and I am not sure what direction to take.

Every day this week I have plonked myself in front of my computer with the intention of writing something, anything. Instead, I have nothing, not a damn thing. That makes me question why I am here and why I continue to do this. Even now as I sit here trying to put everything down it’s twisting and turning in my head.

I never thought I would last this long to be honest, I rarely stick at anything. If I don’t feel it’s working then I let it go. I set standards for myself that are usually unachievable and berate myself when I fail. What I don’t realise at the time is that I am usually setting myself up to fail.

When I started blogging I wanted to get the word out there, I wanted people to read, while I didn’t want to be famous, I did want some interaction. I have written many posts before detailing how what I thought would happen and what did happen were two different things and I still stand by those sentiments as expressed in this post:

When you sit down, cup of coffee in hand and look back, because someone has challenged you as to the reasons why you blog, you will realise it is because you have become part of a family. You will begin to appreciate the love that surrounds you, the support that is offered to you and help you receive. You will realise that it is these people, along with your family and friends who have provided light in the darkness and a reason to smile when you thought there was none

Giving up is not an option. While I still feel like I do not measure up, I finally feel like I fit somewhere. I’m a very small part, but I am a part none the less.

I think I am changing, perhaps I am even starting to grow up. I still want to be the happy person I used to be, but most days life has a habit of suppressing it, there is too much other shit to deal with and it’s constant. By the time I deal with all the responsibilities I am too tired to deal with anything else.

I feel restricted in some ways, again, no ones fault but my own. In going back to my statement earlier about wanting to get the word out there I told people I knew, from real life when I started blogging and now I wish I hadn’t because in doing so I feel that I can’t be as open or as honest as I would like to be. That’s something I have to figure out a solution for own my own.

I don’t want to be the kind of person who throws posts out just to fill empty spaces or get blog views, I no longer care about stats, but I do care about this community. I wish I could go back to my younger days were words flowed, they just were and I did not have to give thought or consideration to what anyone else might think.

Sometime in the future I might decide that writing and blogging is no longer for me, but today is not that day.

Perhaps it is more about finding a balance than choosing a path.