Beating (the crap out of) the blues!


Beat the Blues

I sat down to write, honest I did. It’s just that nothing would formulate in there, taps brain. I started to tinker instead, cleared up the blogs I follow,  made some changes in Bloglovin and got caught up on some reading. It’s hard to believe how many posts can amass in such a short space of time. The weight of it sits heavy on my shoulders sometimes, even after all this time it still manifests itself as guilt.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me this weather, I feel like I need to give myself a good shake, but believe me, that’s a lot easier than it sounds. I seem to spend a lot of time thinking about where I would have been if I had not made some of the choices I did. I wake up every morning, ragged from restless sleep and for a few moments I forget what life is like and then it all comes crashing in and I feel swamped with that feeling of helplessness, scared to go downstairs because I am not entirely sure what to expect when I get there. Sometimes it feels like life just gets a little too big. I am a small hamster on a big wheel, running, but getting nowhere.

I can’t seem to settle either, I always feel restless. When I finally sit I feel like I should be up and about doing something else, making the most of my time, but that’s the problem it is MY time, and there is very little of it, I don’t need to have it peppered with feelings of guilt.

I went out the other day with my friends, I’ve not seen them for almost 2 months and we made the decision to go on a road trip. I was looking forward to it and especially to having a day away. In order to do anything at all however, plans have to be put in place to make sure the ships are fed, tablets are left out and everyone knows the routine. It often feels like it’s more hassle than it’s worth. On the morning in question I came down to make some breakfast and finish preparing the food I was leaving for their tea, only to be greeted with tears and things like ‘Oh I like it there’ and ‘I’d love to go there’ as if she never gets taken anywhere. The sad thing is the Mothership has a more active social life than I do. She seems to forget that not less than two weeks ago the Fathership took her in the same direction as I was heading and she threw a wobbler and ruined both her day and his, refusing to eat and just generally being obstructive. It was a shit start to the day, but thankfully my friends rallied me round and a great day was had by all.

I miss me. I feel like everything I write these days is negative. In reality I know it isn’t as I need an outlet for release, but there used to be so much more and now it feels like there isn’t anything other than work and home life and GTA of course, there is always GTA!

I know things will settle down again. It’s been a very up and down few weeks what with various appointments and eye Ops etc. We’ve been skirting around our normal routine and that pretty much upsets the apple cart. The longer hours in work are not helping either, but right now that is not something that I can change.

Please don’t offer me sympathy, I don’t need it, what I do need is a good kick up the arse, so feel free to administer one of those. The wearing of hob nailed boots however is prohibited!

I’ve followed a couple of blogs lately as I have liked some of the pieces others I follow have written for their prompts. I might give them a go sometime myself, I miss writing fiction. If you know of any other good ones let me know. I know too, that it has been a while since I put a new prompt on Okay, What If?, so if you have any ideas let me know, the question can be anything.

I know I’ve said it before, but hopefully one of these days I will get myself into a bit of a better routine, I shall make no promises, then I cannot be held accountable. I was thinking however that it has been a while since I let May out of her box, heaven help us all!!

Till next time Eejits :)

Blogging to beat the blues…

Image by Joel Montes

The Geeky G4mer was not my first foray into the blogging world. Oh no. There were many many others.

Over the years I have had various little bits and pieces about my life on the World Wide Web. Scraps of this and that, scattered over random names that I have long since forgotten.

To date though, this has been the one I have updated the most, but it‘s hard to think of new content when your life is just run of the mill and compared to some, downright boring.

Everyone has something to offer. Everyone has something to give. Everyone will touch someone regardless of whether they realise it or not.

A blog for all intents and purposes it usually an outlet for something. Somewhere to be honest, somewhere to be humorous, somewhere to vent, the list is endless. Most of us do it for fun. There are some though,  who have crafted their art so skillfully they can now live off the proceeds, or so they would have us believe. I feel under pressure to think of new things now, imagine what it would be like if I was getting paid and had deadlines. Pressure cooker springs to mind.

Despite the fact I do it for fun and to keep my aging brain active, there is no denying the little buzz you experience when you get a notification of a new like or follow. If I write and post something on my morning train journey, one person liking the post has me squealing with delight, usually at the expense of the eardrums of everyone within a 100m radius.

It makes me want to better myself, but in doing so, do I set the bar to high.

Years ago I realised I was never going to be an amazing writer or poet and I’m ok with that. I’m content to be mediocre or even something close to it. I’m enjoying the company of the people I have around me here, and getting to know them via the details they choose to share.

I’m learning things about myself, like the fact that I don’t have to be perfect or amazing or even all that intellectual. It’s perfectly fine to just be me, a little bit thick and occasionally funny. I’ve made people smile and I’ve made people laugh, and that in turn has made everything worthwhile.

Every time there is a little tinkle of a notification or someone leaves me a comment it’s a little pat on the back, someone is saying, you know what, you’re no Whilimena Shakespear but that wasn’t a bad attempt. That beats back the blues just a little.

So to sign out I am going to leave you with one of my poems, Lee who is much more organised than me kept a back log of all my old posts and poems from the site I used to have called “The Trouble With Me”. Now bear in mind this was written around 2002, so a little like my mental age, it’s around 11 years old.

Being Late

The birds didn’t sing and the sun didn’t shine,
as I snored in my bed unaware of the time.
And the next thing I know it’s a quarter to 8,
and my Mum’s screaming up, “you’re going to be late”.

But even at that time all hope was lost,
I’d missed the damn train and my parents were cross.
My bed was calling but my mind said “Make haste”
So I tossed off the covers and to the bathroom I raced!

A quick sprinkling of water, and a brush round my jaws,
and a luke warm face cloth around my face and my paws,
locating clean clothes amid all the clutter,
running around like a bit of a nutter.

Down the stairs slowly it feels like a mile,
But “Good afternoon” she says with a sarcastic wee smile,
into the car for a 5 mile journey of silence,
mind it could have been worse there might have been violence.

So here I am on a later train,
I shall never trust my alarm clock again,
but you know what it’s worth all the trouble and strife,
to get another shot at this thing they call life.